It's hard and I'm scared. It's been so long, 4 years, since I sat and wrote a screenplay that became a film. Despite screenwriting being a considerable aspect of my life as a screenwriting lecturer at university.
I have to write something that gets made and there are ideas, and fragments, and drafts, and dreams. I am writing the script that will become the first film created for the Filmmaker in Residence project I am overseeing at work over the next year.
I know I can do it. So much of my life has been building up to this moment. I'm still scared. There's a real gut rotting fear deep inside that I can't do it. That I've forgotten. That I never really had it in me. That I don't know what I'm doing.
It is a fear I know well as it plagues me in most other areas of life. They have subsided somewhat as I've gone through my doctorate (that's the main reason for the creative hiatus) and carved out a new career. I still get pangs of imposter syndrome and often feel like a failure. Less so than before. But still.
The launch of the new project last week means that there's a deadline and a demand. That's usually when I work best, creatively. And myself and Justin's favoured project to shoot is not merely an idea but a script that's gone through several drafts.
It's an adaptation at present though it may become changed beyond recognition. The reasons why will be covered in future posts I'm sure.
We've been in contact with the rights holders. Next stage, now there's a plan ahead, is to get back in touch and move that discussion on.
So why, even typing this, am I anxious, and scared, of myself and my abilities?
I've carved out a real opportunity to make the step to feature filmmaker within the context of my career and ensuring that my long-held educational principles regarding productions are maintained.
So why can't I enjoy it?